Today was Loralee's first day of preschool. I was so excited for her and she has seemed so ready for preschool for a long time now. Every time I would drop off Heidi, Loralee desperately wanted to stay and play in the class. We got through the hurdle of potty training (my last one, no more diapers after 7 years!!!) and this morning she woke up just ready to go.
And off we went to school this morning. The morning went rather smoothly considering it's the first day back from Winter Break. In my experience the first day back always goes smoothly, it's by Thur or Fri after a break that all hell breaks lose. But I digress.
So here we are waiting to go into preschool. I'm feeling pretty calm myself, Loralee is super excited, and Heidi is chattering away to her little sis all about preschool. This is what I had been waiting for for months now. Some free time to myself, the house to myself!!! Don't get me wrong I definitely get down time from the kids but it does require me to leave my house and meet up with friends, go on a date with Michael, shopping, or wait for bedtime. I am NEVER home alone. There has been a baby or toddler (or both at the same time!) home with me for the past 7 years. There have been moments where I have locked myself in the bathroom for 5 to 10 minutes just to regain my sanity and composure from having a really tough time with the kids. There have been nights where I have gone to bed at 8pm totally defeated by motherhood and praying that tomorrow is a better day. Or praying that I can make a trip to Target alone lol.
The drop off went smoothly. Loralee went right into class and I put her stuff in her cubby, placed her name tag on her and off she went for story time on the carpet. She hardly looked back at me. Loralee looked like she was born for school and was already chattering away to the other little kids. She looked so small to me, too young to be there really. This God awful feeling came over me that I had made a huge mistake and she shouldn't be starting school yet. I pulled myself together, reminding myself that I wasn't leaving her with complete strangers. Two of my kids have already had this particular teacher and I know she is amazing. The Lloyd Pack has walked the halls of our preschool every single year since 2009. I headed down the preschool hall to drop Heidi off. Her teacher asked me how it went for Loralee and I told her it she was totally fine. Didn't even glance back at me as I left her there. And then I burst into tears. Thank goodness I know all the preschool teachers really well as most of the teachers are my friends outside of school. She got up from her circle time and gave me a big hug and told me to sit, stay and get myself together as long as I wanted. I mean heck, this lady saw me through my pregnancy with Loralee and saw me bring her in as a newborn and now here I was dropping Loralee off for school! I took a few minutes to get myself together but mostly I just wanted to get outta there.
Driving home, I sobbed the whole way thinking "wasn't it supposed to get easier with each kid?" I mean I had done the whole preschool first day drop off thing three times before so it wasn't something new. And then it hit me why I was so crushed. I had just learned one of the hardest lessons of motherhood: Letting my children go. All of them.
I guess with each of the other three I had a hard time with firsts but I knew in the back of my mind I still had a few more at home and this wasn't the last one. But this time this was the last one to go. I am confused and sad all at once. I'm confused because there have been so many times when I have craved some alone time at home. Just to relax at my house or get jobs done without little people clinging to my legs. Nobody needing something from me every 5 minutes. Or to clean the house and have it stay that way longer than 30 minutes. To take long leisurely showers, eat a meal without tending to someone else, and above all to go the bathroom alone!! Wasn't I just elated this past week that we got the last kid potty trained and I am done with diapers forever??!! I'm sad because this is really it for the baby phase. I know I don't want to have more babies, but jeez did it have to go so fast??? No one warned me how badly it would hurt to watch them walk away from me. To know that they can do a lot of things independently and I may not be the first person they come to anymore with things. Or the fact that they are starting to solve their own problems. And they are starting to trust and adore other adults in their lives besides me.
I came home and allowed myself a little time to mope. To let my heart hurt and remind myself it's for a good cause that we have to let them go. I reminded myself that she is the same age as the other 3 kids when they started preschool, in some cases older. She's going to be 3 in 3 months for goodness sakes! I treated myself to sitting on the couch, drinking an entire cup of hot tea (this never happens!) and catching up on an episode of one of my favorite TV shows. And for the first time in 7 years I watched a one hour TV show in one hour! It didn't take three hours to watch and I didn't have to pause the DVR once! Now this I could get used to. I also reminded myself that Loralee is only going to school two days a week for 3 hours and she isn't gone forever. We still have plenty of days at home before she is at school full time and there will still be plenty of moments for me to lock myself in the bathroom. And above all of course she still needs me. All four of them do. Just not in the same way anymore.
I just need to figure out what to do with myself now. After so many years endlessly devoted to 4 little people I need to find "ME" again. I'm not sure who I am anymore without the kids needing me at their beck and call all the time, without having to wipe butts, and feed babies 24/7. I'm not sure if it means getting a job, treating myself to a few things, or reorganizing my house but I'm pretty sure I will figure it out in the next few weeks. It's made me realize how much of myself I have given up and that yes I do deserve this little break 6 hours a week. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade a minute of it for the world, but I do need some time and space to just do for myself. I know my heart is going to ache for a little bit longer for my last baby growing up but I know in time I will be a better mother too for letting her go. For letting all of them slowly go.
On a lighter note, here are some pics from today. :)
First thing this morning. All ready to go!
In class getting ready for story time
After school totally happy
And the best part about preschool is the exhaustion...
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